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Tea For Me - Practising Compassion Towards Oneself

One of the things I miss most about Ratu is after having a particularly difficult day, he would simply look at me, sense how I was feeling, and offer me a cup of tea. I would sit quietly in his presence whilst he joked and laughed, and slowly the tension of the day would leave my body.

Like Dharmakirti, the teacher of Atisha, and most Indonesian masters from our lineage, Ratu's compassion was limitless like the vast sky. It is said that such was Atisha's gratitude to Dharmakirti that he was unable even to hear his name without bursting into tears for teaching him how to develop compassion or bodhichitta.

Atisha

Compassion is not pity, nor feeling sorry for oneself or the misfortunes of others. Nobody likes to be pitied, but everyone needs to feel understood. In actuality pity is a form of arrogance, because the underlying belief is that one is better off than others. This arrogance can take the form of bearing suffering like a martyr because you think that you shouldn't complain because there is always someone else less fortunate than you are.

That is certainly true, but pain is pain, whether it is physical, mental or emotional. In practicing Dharma one must begin to practice being truthful to one's heart. If you are in pain you need to acknowledge and feel it hundred percent. You will soon realise the truth of impermanance, that pain like everything in the universe changes. If you embrace your pain and not avoid it, you will realise the First Noble Truth and give birth to compassion. To understand compassion is to realise that even the illusory nature of a hypochondriac's pain is just as real to them as yours is to you. 

Compassion is an empathetic feeling of what it must be like to be in another person's shoes and a heartfelt wish to share it based on the right understanding of the Four Noble Truths.

Unlike love, respect or creating wealth, compassion is the one thing that we must receive from ourselves first before giving it to others. To receive love, respect or create wealth, we must give it first before we can expect it to be returned. To practice compassion one needs to feel the depth of one's suffering to truly understand another person's pain, otherwise it can turn to pity.

How to Give Compassion to Oneself

Meditation is perhaps the most beneficial method to give oneself compassion, because in essence meditation is sitting with one's heart, the heart of the Buddha. Only your own heart can truly understand how you feel and what you are experiencing. An aspect of meditation is to get to know oneself, be truthful to how one feels, then letting go and following the technique of breathing.

However, here's a practical tip that most women have practiced since the dawn of time - make yourself a bath. Pamper yourself with perfume, soothing music, flower petals and candles. Romance yourself as you would a lover. Give yourself the undivided attention you would give to someone you love.

Too many times we give so much to others that we leave nothing for ourselves. To do so is to deny the First Noble Truth, that we are all suffering - including ourselves. If you feel guilty for giving yourself pleasure, make it an offering to the Buddha or divinity within you. That way you (the ego) is not involved. This is a form of Bhakti Yoga in the Balinese tradition.

One practice I gave a friend to teach her to love herself was every time she made herself a cup of tea, she should make it with all the love and care she would normally lavish on a loved one. She told me today that this small practice actually helped her in just three short weeks. It's a great practice for mothers, who give so much of themselves to their children but never leave enough for themselves.

Meditation is being present in the moment. It is not just sitting practice. Therefore if you practice mindfulness in ever day life, you are in a state of meditation.